Rainy Day

I am just going to babble nonsense for a while. I don't really have anything specific to talk about, I just need to write something down since I haven't in a while. It's raining.....finally. Everytime we have had a "statewide" storm in Utah, Pleasant Grove never gets anything, and it makes me so mad cuz I like the thunderstorms and the rain and all that. Hey who doesn't like free grass watering? So far no thunder or lightning, but hopefully soon. I haven't done much today. Just hung around the house being bored and very lazy. I don't care if things need to get done, I want to be lazy so I am going to be lazy. I can clean tomorrow. Sometimes it just overwhelms me too much to think about all that needs to get done in this house. I am overwhelmed by everything right now. No matter how much I try to make things better in life it always turns around and smacks me in the face. Our finances have gotten worse and so we sold our beautiful SUV to pay bills, and the next thing I know, my car has broke down, my tooth breaks, and a few other things that make it so it's not so easy to keep a hold of that money made from the SUV. Marty and I have been desperatly searching for second jobs, but so far nothing, so we are sitting here, worrying, and nothing is happening. It kind of sucks. I miss singing regularly, but at the same time I don't cuz it was stressful. I miss my kitten I loved so much who we had to give away cuz we couldn't afford her care and food. I miss my grandma who has been gone for about 5 years. I miss going to her house for cookies, ice cream and to just hang out and feel her awesome love. I miss memories that I will never get to experience again. I am kind of getting baby hungry. I miss the sweet smell of babies and their cute faces. The kids are growing so much and one day they won't be small enough for me to kiss their cheeks, and tickle, and hear their little voices and watch them do the stupidest things and say the funniest things. It kind of sucks that I won't be having any more kids, but also not, cuz it's a lot of work. I just need something fulfilling. I am at a standstill. Not moving forward and not moving backwards (not that I would want to go backwards but you get the idea). This whole year has been like this. I really hope that next year shows some potential to change my life in a way that I have always wanted it to, in a good way. I want to go forward, to feel like I am accomplishing something. I want to sing and feel great about it. I want to raise my kids so they will grow up better people and so we will be best friends. I want to not have to worry about bills, and about not having enough money, and not getting second jobs. I want my marriage to marty to keep being the best thing that has ever happened to me. Not that I doubt that, but I felt like putting it in. I want to make good friends who will always be there for me, and not make me feel low and weak, and who won't stab me in the back. I want to find out who I really am, and to feel good about the person I find myself to be. I want just all good things to happen, to make up for a sucky 2007 year. But I guess it could get worse, I should not complain. Just a rainy mood to match the rainy afternoon. I do like my life. I do have good friends, a house, a great marriage, and two great kids. But sometimes you just wish things were still better. It's human nature.